Tuesday, April 20, 2010

There's so much to say, and how to word it... I'll never be able to explain in words all that I am going thru. Five years ago I thought that by now I would have the world in my hands. That I would be a professional singer and living the life. It was my goal, because the two things I love most is singing and dancing. I had no idea that five years from then I wouldn't be able to dance anymore. I have had two surgeries in 6 weeks time. Talk about stressful. Now three weeks after the latest surgery, I have been told by my doctor that I will not dance again, i will not run as well as everyone else, I won't get to do all the physical things I want to anymore. Now... I should see a Therapist so that I can handle giving that up because I am 23. I only lived to be 21 and be physically active. It's not like most people, who choose not to go running, choose not to exercise... I simply can't... no matter how badly I wanted to. Now I know, that hearing this most people are like, you have to be positive, and believe you will get there, work hard, and prove the doctors wrong. To those people I say simply this; I have been fighting the Doctors for two years now. I have come thru miraculous recoveries and can do stuff I shouldn't be able to do, but the fact of the matter is, I have to face reality... I am not getting better. I healed... and since then, It's just gotten worse. The more we agitate my hip, the worse it seems to get. I have been fighting for two years. that's a long time to be disabled, let me tell you... But here is the simple truth... I am the best I'll be at. It's not going to get better. And To finally realize that, and to accept it instead of fight it and try to prove someone wrong... it kills me. I have cried every single day since I realized My dr was right... I really won't ever get back to being me. This is me now... I will forever be in pain, and I will forever have problems with my hip. I'll never be physically active again. My doctor is right, I do need to see a therapist to help me thru this because I honestly can't even handle the thought of it. I think about it for two seconds and I am crying the rest of the day. I do need to see someone... so that I can handle this.

Here's another truth... I do a lot better when I am around people. When I talk to people, I act like my hip is no big deal. I am super positive and I act like I am the toughest girl in this world. The truth of it is, I am not. I cry when I am alone, and when I think about it. I can't handle it. I am such a whimp it is ridiculous. Yeah, I am positive about it, but for the most part, when I am alone, I just break down. and it happens... all the time. It's facade I have learned how to carry around. When I'm with people, they would never know that this is hard for me. They'd just think I am amazing for pulling thru it all like I am. There is so much none of you see behind closed doors. I mean, not even my family understands how hard this is on me, because I refuse to bring people in. I fear if I complain about how hard this really is on me, people will stop being my friends, they'll stop caring, and I'll be alone... and that scares me more than anything in this world. Alone with my thoughts, all the time? I couldn't handle it quite literally.

I'm so lost, and hurt, I don't even know what to do anymore. Carry the mask I guess. Continue to be happy Tough Jess that everyone loves, because that is what I need, and what everyone else needs. But there is a side of me no one understands. A side no one sees. The side that when you think about if this had happened to you... oh how hard it'd be on you, and how you couldn't handle it at all... I have that side of me too. Even tho I'll never admit it. It's got to the point I don't think I am strong enough for it anymore. And honestly... I get to that point a lot. sigh, but what can you do?

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