.x. missing Taylor .x.

Most of you know about Taylor and I. If not, we broke up. Rather he broke up with me. For very good reasons, and I don't blame him at all. I actually support his decision. And then again, as most of you know this as well, I have taken this all a lot better than anyone ever expected. I have picked it up and ran with it, with my head held high, and I have surprisingly been okay with it. I have been so good about just being there for him, and being his friend, and supporting this, and in a great mood about it. ... then we have days like today.

Today I woke up from a dream, involving him. I will say this, I turned over expecting him to be there, and started crying when I realized i was in reality again. I am surprised at how well I have been doing, but we all knew that this day would come. The day where I realize what I just lost, and I am overwhelmed and suffer that heartbreak that I didn't go thru the first day. Being friends is what he needs right now, and as much as I hate to say it, it is most likely better for me as well. But it is hard. It .. hasn't been that hard tho.... not as hard as I would have thought by any means. But today is a different case. I think, and hope, it is just a one day thing. I feel so empty, so lost, so hurt, and so alone. I am really glad no one is home right now because I can't stop crying. I took a shower today and cried the whole time, and i wish it was raining today because then no one could see my tears. I don't know why today is so much harder for me. I don't understand it. I wish I didn't have to feel this way tho. I can't even imagine what it would be like tho if we weren't friends... I would be locked in my room for hours... guaranteed.

Many will disagree, and think that I am stupid, and just causing more pain, but I am going to wait for him. Let's be honest here... none of my friends have witnessed anything about our relationship except for what I tell them... Taylor and I are the only ones who really know what is going on. No one has been around enough to make any kind of judgement about our relationship, not saying that anyone had a chance anyway. I am rarely around my friends with him, and vice versa. Therefore no one can tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Advise... yes, but they can't expect me to do what they say. Taylor treated me better than anyone ever has. He has always been there for me, and he does the cutest things for me. Things that are small, and insignificant to most, but to me it shows me that he really loves me. I don't care for big things. I don't care that I should be with him more, he goes out of his way to make me feel like the only girl alive, and the only girl who is loved. I deserve that. I deserve to feel like a queen, and with him, I feel like a goddess. What everyone needs to realize, is every relationship has it's faults, and it's issues, that doesn't mean it is a bad relationship or you deserve better... it means that things are working out how they have to. There are some cases where there are way more bad times than good, and those need to be reconsidered, and someone needs to take a closer look, but no one can say what you are to do, except for you, because you are the one that is in it, and the one who knows how that person is, and details that others just don't understand. This does not mean that I don't want advise, because I do. I want all of you to help me as much as you can... But I don't wanna hear I deserve better, because in my eyes, he is the best because I know how he really treats me. And i don't want you to be offended if I don't follow your advise, because I will do what I think is best for us, you just have to trust me that I know what that is. But I still want advise like I have been getting, and all the support I have been getting. You are all being very good friends to me, and I don't deserve that, but I am very grateful for it, thank you very much. Anyway, I am in love with this guy. I will do whatever I have to, to get him back, even if it is painful and a long process. Cuz I know what we can be.

Sigh... i didn't want to go into that, not as much as I just hurt today. I want to be held today. I want him to come hold me as I cry because I miss us. I need that right now. I need him right now. In the last 9 months, He has become my best friend. I have had a really hard year, and he was the one who I could talk to all day, and I learned to trust him. I gave him my heart. He really is my best friend. he knows me better than anyone. Right now, more than needing the one I love, I need my best friend. But I feel it is a conflict of interest, and it kinda is. This is why I am so torn right now. I need that comfort that a best friend gives, I need hugs... I need to cry on that persons shoulder, and hear that I am going to be alright, that everything is going to work out just greatly. And more than anything, I want it to be him that I cry to. Just because I feel safe with him. But I know at the same time it would hurt him to see me cry... over him nonetheless. but right now I need this. I guess I will have to deal with writing a blog tho. Which is in no way anywhere near as comforting.

I ache inside. I feel vulnerable, and empty. In a month this will all be easier, and things will be better, or at least I hope. I love him. I want you all to know this... I want you to understand that this guy is my world. I honestly would do anything he asked me to, if it was for the good of us, or him. I have never experienced loving someone like this. It's a constant thing, and I never doubt it. With Ben, John, Houston, and Jeremiah, I did doubt it. not much, but i did from time to time. And none of them meant even 1/4 as much as he does to me. At the time, that was love... I loved them all, very much. With my whole existance, but I just found something stronger. Something that is so very real. It's a kinda thing you only read about, stuff you hear about, but you never really experience. It is the undying need and want to make that person happy. When they are sad, you are as well, and vice versa, but you are there to cheer them up when they need it, and even if you are down, you do it because to see them happy, even just a smile, would make your world have a little bit more sunshine. You'd honestly go thru endless misery and torment, if it meant their happiness. It's an Edward/Bella kinda love. I need him to be my best, at my full potential. Yes, I could be just fine with out him, happy even... But with him, that is perfection, and endless happiness... absolute greatness. With that, I'd never lose. it's hard to explain how much i love him. There really aren't words to describe the feelings I have. His happiness makes me happy. Some of you may understand, but I bet a lot of you do not. It's more than a feeling... it's me. His heart is in my chest, as is mine in his. There is nothing stronger in this world. It's nothing no one could ever break, even when we are not together, it's still stronger than anything I have ever seen. Even now, hurting, I consider myself the luckiest girl alive to have had that, and still have it, even tho right now it hurts.

I am just hurting because I love him so much and miss him today. I need him, and he is not here for me because I am afraid to hurt him when he sees me hurting. sigh...

I said hello I think I'm broken


And though I was only jokin'


It took me by surprise when you agreed


I was tryin' to be clever


For the life of me I never


Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead


You knew all my lines


You knew all my tricks


You knew how to heal that pain


No medicine can fix





And I bless the day I met you


And I thank God that He let you


Lay beside me for a moment that lives on


And the good news is I'm better


For the time we spent together


And the bad news is you're gone





Lookin' back it's still surprisin'


I was sinking you were rising


With a look you caught me in mid-air


Now I know God has His reasons


But sometimes it's hard to see them


When I awake and find that you're not there


You found hope in hopeless


Your made crazy sane


You became the missing link


That helped me break my chains





And I bless the day I met you


And I thank God that He let you


Lay beside me for a moment that lives on


And the good news is I'm better


For the time we spent together


And the bad news is you're gone


The bad news is you're gone

I miss you Taylor. :] I know everything is going to be okay, and I really honestly feel we will one day be together and very happy... For right now being friends is best. Just know that I love you, and I will miss you all the time, and sometimes have days like today, when I just need to be held. :]



I love you.

Jae's Life As Of Now

So I am finally now a blogger! ah ha! A little update in my life... After not walking for 7 months cause of my accident, I am now walking, and my limp is a lot smaller than it used to be. I am healing just great. My last dr. appointment informed me that my leg is not broken anymore, it is finally all healed up! Well, I decided it was time to branch out and become myself again. I moved to Draper, and in with April and George. A day after I moved in, my boyfriend broke up with me, and a huge reason to moving down here was to be with him. I had a really hard time with it, and I cried for a while, but I am doing great now. Well, as great as I can be without him. Life goes on, and we are still really good friends, so life is good.

I love living with April, because she has this ability to put anyone in a good mood and smile. She has a wonderful talent with that, and I am incredibly happy to call her my friend. Things have been a lot easier with her here able to talk to, and her giving her input. She doesn't judge situations much. She realizes that you are the one in the relationship, and you know what is best for what is going on. Having that kind of support is very helpful right now. I feel like I need to be his friend right now. more than anything, and some people don't realize I need to do that, rather than move on. It is the only thing that feels right right now. April gets that. Some other friends do as well, but for whatever reason, April is the most supportive. And maybe it is because she is around me and sees what it is like with him, and without him for me.

I went to see my therapist yesterday for my car accident. It was enjoyable. nothing too exciting, but I am supposed to write down all my dreams that involve cars. I meet with him again in two weeks. he is a really nice guy, and it was really good to talk to someone about it. It was a little awkward, not going to lie, but it was good for me. I felt a little bit better. Then I also talked to him about Taylor, and that seemed to help a lot as well. Who knew... Jess seeing a therapist? Dude... I'm the one who gives out advice to all my friends, how come all of a sudden I have to have a stranger interpet my life. It isn't bad tho. Not at all.

So as I sit here in my new home, and what once was my old one, I realize how crazy life is... but how blessed I am to be where I am. Yesterday, I went to salt lake, and it was 61 degrees, and raining! it was like the perfect day. And then here in Draper it was 61 but it was sunny. I love being out on my own. I love the friends that I have that have helped me thru what I have been going thru as of late. Life gives you stuff that will knock you down, and things that will take you up as you are flying. The secret to this is, you have to enjoy those flying trips so incredibly much, and when you start descending, realize that it is descending, but don't be sad about it. Every plane has to land so that it can go back up. I try my best to be positive and my best to be a good friend. If there is anything I have learned in this last year, it has been that Positivity is honestly key. You aren't going to go anywhere if you are always depressed. easier said than done? sure, I guess I can go along with that... but it isn't as hard as one would think either. Maybe at first, but then you get used to it. and feeling better, isn't that always a better thing than feeling sad, angry or depressed? I personally don't like those feelings, so I don't let myself get caught up in them.

Either way, Life is good for me right now. I have an interview tomorrow, hopefully something will come from that, and things will be hard with my leg, but you know what, I am going to push it, and I am going to be okay because I believe that. :D

Now I must go get ready and go meet April for lunch before getting my phone fixed! :) Peace!