hip update

So as most of you already know, I have a hip replacement... Been trying to get this leg of mine healed for a while. Well I just made a visit to my doctor the other day... this is how the appointment went...

After a few minutes in the waiting room, I was quickly assigned to a patient room. This in and of itself was amazing because after 10 in the morning, you usually have to wait in the waiting room for an hour to two just to be called back. Arriving there, I was greeted by a nurse that has seen me quite a bit. She talked to me for a bit, and then asked those questions I get asked everytime. How is the hip? What are you taking for pain? And what is the pain on a scale of 1-10? I am not entirely sure what I answered on the last time i visited but I know I have never answered lower than a 4, because my pain is never lower than a 4. I answered 3-4 this time. She then chatted a little more before excusing herself.
Not much later, She knocked on the door to go have x-rays done. I walked it, and the x-ray guys are very rarely ever the same guys... They were almost saddened, but happy I knew what I was doing. Sad cus obviously I have been there enough to know what to do, but happy they didn't have to coach me!
After x-rays, I walked out and saw my dr with another patient... he was happy to see me, waved and I made my way back to my room.
Minutes later my doctor and his Posse walked in. Posse refers to the two interns that follow him around all the time! When he walked in he told me to stop smiling, cus it hurt him. I kinda laughed and implied, why? He said, because you are always in so much pain, but you are somehow still a happy girl, I just don't get it. What he doesn't realize is I have been dealing with this pain for almost a year now, It is old news to me, and I have learned how to make it tolerable.
He sat down, said my x-rays looked great... Then he paused. He asked if I wanted to see a Chronic Specialist... I have a very close relationship with my doctor, as in everytime we see each other, for that 20 minutes we hug about 6 times. We are tight like that. Anyway, I was like, hell no. I don't want to see any doctor but you. Altho, I was not entirely sure what he meant by a chronic specialist.
Pretty soon after he had me jump on the examiner table and checked my range of motion. All three doctors "ooh-ed" and "aww-ed" It caught me off guard so I asked what was up. I guess I have the best range of motion of anyone that has ever gotten a hip replacement... keep in mind tho, all hip replacements go to those over the age of 40 at least.
We talked a little more, and he showed me my x-ray. Everything is healed! How amazing is that? I got very excited, until I noticed he was not as excited. He held his head between his hands for a minute... then started.. " Jess, so basically you came in here with a really f**ked up fracture. The worst kind. I had to put things together that no one knows how to put together. It was a shot in the dark. But you are walking. You still can move your leg. You are a miracle Child, And I really really like you." He then asked when my hip hurt the most. I replied, when I walk around for very long. He asked how long, and I said, about half hour of walking thru a mall or what not. His head then sunk once again. He breathed in heavily, and even tho I am still smiling at this point, I am worried. He showed me how he took a muscle from my pelvis region and had to put it with my hip. It is something he shouldn't have done, but he had absolutely no choice because of my fracture. He then explained that because that muscle is gone and everything is now healed up... I will never dance again. I will never walk without a limp, and my bone will always be turned, so I will be a little pigeon toe-ed on the one leg. My smile didn't last for very long, in fact, I almost started crying. But I pushed it away, and said, "at least I am walking right? Things could be so much worse, at least I am still walking."
Within a few minutes he was pushing on my hip trying to find where the pain was, I helped him out... and I didn't expect what happened next, in any way. He found where it hurt and pushed hard, and I screamed... Like a little dog does when you step on their paw? they yelp because it hurt unexpectedly.
He backed away and he looked so very forlorn, and sad. I didn't know how to respond so I just sat there.
He explained how he wish he didn't love me. How he wished I could be one of his patients that he can't wait to get out of the office and hope never to see again. But that he cared for me, and he loved me.. And thus is why it was so hard for him to tell me what he did previously, and what he was just about to tell me.
He said I would have to see a Chronic Specialist. So I inquired as to what that was. He replied with, You have chronic pain Jess. The pain in your hip now, will never go away. it may die down at times, and flame up at others, but you will always hurt the way you do at this time in your life. You will go see a doctor who will manage your pain. They will determine what kind of seriousness it is, and you will have to be on narcotics... for the rest of your life.
I am not sure how to respond to that. I was in a state of shock. Because of one minute that I screwed up and broke my hip, I will have to deal with the pain for the rest of my life. The consequence here is huge. What will happen when I am pregnant? I can hardly carry my own body weight around for more than a few hours, how will i carry a baby for 9 months?
However, when I left there, I wasn't upset. I was shocked, and a little confused, but not upset. I am one of the luckiest girls alive, one of the luckiest people to be still here. I could have it so much worse off than I do. The never dancing again and the limp hit me harder I think than the druggy for life part hit me.
Now... I told Danny this, and he got mad at my doctor for having the nerve to tell me what I can and can't do cus of my injury... But like I said to him, he didn't know this was going to happen, he waited until everything was healed to tell me, and he HATED telling me. I think he had a harder time with it than I did. He is one of the best guys out there, and normally I would try to prove the person who told me this wrong, but the fact that I am missing a crutial muscle that moves my leg in certain ways... I don't think there is any way I can prove him wrong.
The thing is I am still alive. I am still walking, which against all odds I should not be, and not only cause of the hip but from my back and neck. I am slowly accepting that I am different from everyone else. That I won't ever be able to do things that I could. I envy people, a lot actually, but I am very grateful I am still walking.
Yes, it is sad news, but things could be so much worse. I am just very thankful that I am where I am instead of a worse state. And the fact is, I chose the life I lead, I knew what I was getting into when I came here, and I still chose it... so some small thing like this isn't going to get me down. and I am going to do my best to be as healthy as I can be in my position, thats all I can ask for really, and I am happy with that.
anyway, that is my update of my leg/hip! PEACE OUT!