SOOO upset.

No one will understand the frustration that goes along with this blog, but I have to blog to get it off of my chest, otherwise i will do something I regret. My ex best friend is one of the biggest brats in this world. She has always treated me like crap, but I always thought the good times were worth the monthly dramatic fall outs. i have never fought with anyone, but she lives and feeds off of drama... she admits that even. So she decided to text me after like 9 months of not talking because I had finally had enough of her bull crap. She would constantly make me feel guilty for things that were beyond my control, and I would honestly believe her and think I was the worst person ever... I was sick of feeling like that. So she texts me and decides to be a brat and demand I bring her something that isn't even hers. I calmly answered back and said I can't drive and I don't have a car so I couldn't bring it to her, unless she was coming this way... she became a brat and said that she knows my family has cars and that I can just take one of those, and i need to bring it back to her within 4 days and I can meet her halfway... now... if you knew her at all, the way she said it, she was beginning a fight that i just was not willing to be a part of. So I told her, I couldn't drive, and i was sorry, but I couldn't bring it up. And I blocked her phone number.

well she got her sister into it, who is one of my best friends, and then she got my sister involved. Both of course became the biggest brats on the face of this earth.

The truth of the matter is, if I had just been ASKED to take this item, in a nice way, perhaps i would have thought about it, but ALL three of them freaked out on me, and of course I am going to be defensive... I have let people walk all over me my whole life. wow.

I can not even express to you how mad I am right now. I am beyond furious, especially at my sister who called and FREAKED out on me. that is sooo messed up. heaven forbid we even listen to my side of the story, we're just going to go with, oh... well she said she was so sweet about it and you freaked out and started saying all this crap, and then blocked her, and then freaked out on her sister... WHICH... none of that is true... but no... we can't listen to our sister. We are NEVER on her side.

Is it ok to honestly feel so much hatred towards your own family members at times that you just wanna shoot something!? She was so freaking rude to me. I can't even handle it. the more I think about it the pissier I get. Ugh... sooooo annoying.

whatever happened to simply asking and being curteous!? It doesn't help that I have a horrible fever and I am moody because I am soo sick I can barely stand myself... and I told all of them that, and they still... freaked out. yay. I really honestly have never been so upset with my sister in my entire life.

It'll be quite a few days before I talk to her, and even then I don't think I will want to be nice. But get this, she'll never apologize for being rude... cause kaitie is NEVER wrong. at least with me she isn't. and yes, i am going to be the bratty sister and just as damn stubborn as she is and she can live without talking to me until she says sorry. i'm not gonna put up with people treating me like that. UGH. psssh, I am so upset. i need to go do something else, this is just making it worse.

letting go of my past, grabbing onto my future.

It's midnight, and I have an interview for a job tomorrow, yet I am still awake. I just finished watching The Perfect Man. Over the last couple of days a lot of things have been on my mind. What I want to do with my life, What schools I would like to attend, Where I would like to move when I grow up a little bit more, What I should do about the Taylor situation, issues with my hip... I recently saw The Last Song as well... Here are a few things I have discovered about myself in the last couple of days... and in all honesty, I have come to a decision that surprises even me.

I want to do hair. With my hip, I have had to give up a lot of stuff that is no longer attainable in my life, but that does not mean I am going to give up on my dreams. I want to sing, I am going to work on it, and start practicing my guitar again. I am going to go to school as soon as I get a job and can apply. I want to work in a bakery and make cakes. I want to decorate Cakes, I always have wanted to, but I have never told anyone about this. But I realized today that it's something I really want to do. I want to learn how to live this new life that I have never really given much thought to. I always expected to be better. To be able to run again. and I won't, but I never thought that I would give up the simple dream of being normal again. I want to live for me, live for my dreams, and stop living around what my hip allows.

I have decided that the one guy I have loved more than anything, will not step up to what I want or need. Today I realized that FINALLY and I am no longer waiting around for it. I am not longer going to look for it, and hope for it. I am going to live the life I want for a change, and stop being what everyone wants me to be. Stop clinging to the past, and stop hoping for people to change, when I know that the past is behind me, and there is no way that the person I love, is ever going to be the person I loved again. He's gone. Time to move on. I know I have said this before, and I have felt it before. No one will believe it. And that is ok. I don't need anyone too. I just need to feel the feeling I do, and realize it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It is my life, and I know. I am no longer trying to convince myself that I need what I had. And no longer trying to convince myself, or anyone else that I am done with it. Because no matter what anyone thinks, I know that I am moving on.

This girl wants to live and love. I want to do my schooling and I want to live in New York. Brooklyn Maybe, Boston maybe even... And for the first time in my life, I want to do it alone. I don't want to run away from my problems anymore. I am disabled. I am considered in a way handicapped, and I will be my whole life... And for 2 years I have been running away from it and trying to prove that I can pull one more miracle out and become the old me again.

The truth is, I don't want to be who I was. I have changed so incredibly in the last two years, no one would even recognize me if I became that girl again. Yes, I want to have my body back that I had at age 21, but I don't want who I was. I am a new Jessica, and I am finally okay with that.

I have realized what life is. How precious it is. How incredible everyone is. I have made God the center of my life. Maybe not my religion, but God is the center, and to me... that is enough. I can not be what everyone else wants me to be. I can only be true to myself.

I deserve to live life to the fullest, and stop letting this hip effect my life like it has. I will never be able to live physically as fully as I did once, but I think life is so much more than that now. it's not the Physical attributes that make life so wonderful. Sure, it is a lot more fun if you can run. If you can play volleyball with those hot guys on the beach, or do crazy things that pump your adrenaline... but that isn't 'life'. It's the little things. Wesley telling me that he loves me everyday, going out of his way to help me in any way he can. TC Being there and just loving me for me. They look up to me. I am their hero in a way... It's time to start acting like one that is worthy of their appraisal.

The little things are what make this life so special. I don't need fancy things in my life. I just need to do what I love. If I work hard enough to get what I want, I will succeed and fulfill my dreams. We all can. Work everyday, just a little to get one step closer, because that is all we can do. One baby step at a time, and when we look back years from now, we will be grateful we had the guts to start working on it. And we'll wonder how we ever made it to where we are... One day at a time.

So I am going to live my life fully. I am going to forget about the people who will not give me their time. If I am willing to do the little things for you, to make your life more enjoyable, and you are not willing to do that for me, I don't see the point. I am not here to keep hurting myself, and hoping you will change... I am here to make myself happy, and those that I love.

Life is too short to hold grudges, and too short to not have those relationships with the ones I love. My family will, and forever will come first. We all makes mistakes, and we all mess up. We hurt each other, and we all are stubborn in certain areas of our lives. But if we shun our family members and the ones we love, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. If we don't have that relationship we have always wanted with someone in our family, it is not their fault. It is yours. It is mine. It is always a two way street, and there is always someone who has to make the first step. I am willing to do that for the ones I love.

I am going to do what I love. live as if today were my last. I am going to work my butt off to prove that I can be everything i want to be. I am going to be my own hero. Love will find me if it wants to. If not, then I will be just fine because you know why? I know who I am, I love who I am, and I am not going to change that. I will always be me. And that is all I need. To love myself and be loved by those I love. Life is never easy. Love is never easy. But I know I am the type of girl who deserves the best. I will hold out forever for the guy who wants the real me. Someone who isn't only interested in my pretty face, but in me, the real me.

I have had so many good examples lately in my life. People who are there for me, because they can see that I am hurting and need them. I don't think that I am a bad person, and I don't think that I need to change anything, other than I need to focus on the new life in front of me. Every single aspect of it. And i need to accept the changes that have happened to my body physically. I need to embrace them, and I need to live. If I have learned anything in the last two years, it is that each day is a gift given to me. And I have learned how to live each day fully, but I have been so focused on the past, and getting better, and the things I have lost in those two years. No more. It is time to look forward. press forward, and just be. I am a new person, and I am going to own up to it. I have had such a hard time dealing with the idea of being disabled, but I am only disabled if I keep allowing myself to believe that.

Life was given to live in the now. To look forward to the future. Grab a hold of it and run. It's time i do that. Time to look to the Future and press forward with all that I have. Everything will fall into place in due time, I honestly believe that.

So that is exactly what I'm doing. The next phase of my life is letting the past go... and moving on with the present onto the future. :) I can be whoever i want to be. I can do, whatever I want to do. No more limitations, If i give myself limitations, that's all I will ever do.. be limited.

Time to fly. And I plan on doing just that.

Family Outing

So the other day, We all had the day off, and we went to the Union Station in Ogden Utah. This station is haunted, which creeps me out I won't lie. The have had so many sightings there, crazy crazy. Anyhoo, We spent a good portion of the day climbing on the trains! I eventually put my crutches back in the car and just limped like crazy everywhere, but it made it easier for climbing around. In the process I lost my label for my purse... the coach sign fell off of my purse... I was and still am, very upset.

Check out the size of that wheel on that train! And my dad's lovely hawaiian leaf shirt. lol. I absolutely love museums tho, so it was a good day, but I was so tired after going thru just 1/2 of it on my crutches, I was totally ready to go home before anyone even thought of leaving. we also got to see the train car that carried the Olympic torch in 2002 to salt lake!
We all had a lot of fun! other than losing my emblem, the day was great. tiring, but definitely a lot of fun! The best part was climbing all over the trains! :) We even got to see this lady that works there, she was at the orthopaedic center up at the U while I was there for an appointment, and no kidding, the lady is a bit out there. Sweet, and very very nice lady, but kinda crazy. she was telling us how the place was haunted and how much she loved obama, this is back when it was voting time, and she wanted everyone to vote for him, and she was going around talking to everyone convincing them he was amazing... (yeah, look at the mess he's got us into now... the nation has gone down faster since he became president then with any other president ever.. great choice) Anyway, we got to see her again and she told me how special I was and how I was doing awesome with my hip, and to hold in there and keep the faith. ha ha. Strange, yes... but very nice. All in All, we all had a fabulous day!

There's so much to say, and how to word it... I'll never be able to explain in words all that I am going thru. Five years ago I thought that by now I would have the world in my hands. That I would be a professional singer and living the life. It was my goal, because the two things I love most is singing and dancing. I had no idea that five years from then I wouldn't be able to dance anymore. I have had two surgeries in 6 weeks time. Talk about stressful. Now three weeks after the latest surgery, I have been told by my doctor that I will not dance again, i will not run as well as everyone else, I won't get to do all the physical things I want to anymore. Now... I should see a Therapist so that I can handle giving that up because I am 23. I only lived to be 21 and be physically active. It's not like most people, who choose not to go running, choose not to exercise... I simply can't... no matter how badly I wanted to. Now I know, that hearing this most people are like, you have to be positive, and believe you will get there, work hard, and prove the doctors wrong. To those people I say simply this; I have been fighting the Doctors for two years now. I have come thru miraculous recoveries and can do stuff I shouldn't be able to do, but the fact of the matter is, I have to face reality... I am not getting better. I healed... and since then, It's just gotten worse. The more we agitate my hip, the worse it seems to get. I have been fighting for two years. that's a long time to be disabled, let me tell you... But here is the simple truth... I am the best I'll be at. It's not going to get better. And To finally realize that, and to accept it instead of fight it and try to prove someone wrong... it kills me. I have cried every single day since I realized My dr was right... I really won't ever get back to being me. This is me now... I will forever be in pain, and I will forever have problems with my hip. I'll never be physically active again. My doctor is right, I do need to see a therapist to help me thru this because I honestly can't even handle the thought of it. I think about it for two seconds and I am crying the rest of the day. I do need to see someone... so that I can handle this.

Here's another truth... I do a lot better when I am around people. When I talk to people, I act like my hip is no big deal. I am super positive and I act like I am the toughest girl in this world. The truth of it is, I am not. I cry when I am alone, and when I think about it. I can't handle it. I am such a whimp it is ridiculous. Yeah, I am positive about it, but for the most part, when I am alone, I just break down. and it happens... all the time. It's facade I have learned how to carry around. When I'm with people, they would never know that this is hard for me. They'd just think I am amazing for pulling thru it all like I am. There is so much none of you see behind closed doors. I mean, not even my family understands how hard this is on me, because I refuse to bring people in. I fear if I complain about how hard this really is on me, people will stop being my friends, they'll stop caring, and I'll be alone... and that scares me more than anything in this world. Alone with my thoughts, all the time? I couldn't handle it quite literally.

I'm so lost, and hurt, I don't even know what to do anymore. Carry the mask I guess. Continue to be happy Tough Jess that everyone loves, because that is what I need, and what everyone else needs. But there is a side of me no one understands. A side no one sees. The side that when you think about if this had happened to you... oh how hard it'd be on you, and how you couldn't handle it at all... I have that side of me too. Even tho I'll never admit it. It's got to the point I don't think I am strong enough for it anymore. And honestly... I get to that point a lot. sigh, but what can you do?