It's midnight, and I have an interview for a job tomorrow, yet I am still awake. I just finished watching The Perfect Man. Over the last couple of days a lot of things have been on my mind. What I want to do with my life, What schools I would like to attend, Where I would like to move when I grow up a little bit more, What I should do about the Taylor situation, issues with my hip... I recently saw The Last Song as well... Here are a few things I have discovered about myself in the last couple of days... and in all honesty, I have come to a decision that surprises even me.
I want to do hair. With my hip, I have had to give up a lot of stuff that is no longer attainable in my life, but that does not mean I am going to give up on my dreams. I want to sing, I am going to work on it, and start practicing my guitar again. I am going to go to school as soon as I get a job and can apply. I want to work in a bakery and make cakes. I want to decorate Cakes, I always have wanted to, but I have never told anyone about this. But I realized today that it's something I really want to do. I want to learn how to live this new life that I have never really given much thought to. I always expected to be better. To be able to run again. and I won't, but I never thought that I would give up the simple dream of being normal again. I want to live for me, live for my dreams, and stop living around what my hip allows.
I have decided that the one guy I have loved more than anything, will not step up to what I want or need. Today I realized that FINALLY and I am no longer waiting around for it. I am not longer going to look for it, and hope for it. I am going to live the life I want for a change, and stop being what everyone wants me to be. Stop clinging to the past, and stop hoping for people to change, when I know that the past is behind me, and there is no way that the person I love, is ever going to be the person I loved again. He's gone. Time to move on. I know I have said this before, and I have felt it before. No one will believe it. And that is ok. I don't need anyone too. I just need to feel the feeling I do, and realize it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It is my life, and I know. I am no longer trying to convince myself that I need what I had. And no longer trying to convince myself, or anyone else that I am done with it. Because no matter what anyone thinks, I know that I am moving on.
This girl wants to live and love. I want to do my schooling and I want to live in New York. Brooklyn Maybe, Boston maybe even... And for the first time in my life, I want to do it alone. I don't want to run away from my problems anymore. I am disabled. I am considered in a way handicapped, and I will be my whole life... And for 2 years I have been running away from it and trying to prove that I can pull one more miracle out and become the old me again.
The truth is, I don't want to be who I was. I have changed so incredibly in the last two years, no one would even recognize me if I became that girl again. Yes, I want to have my body back that I had at age 21, but I don't want who I was. I am a new Jessica, and I am finally okay with that.
I have realized what life is. How precious it is. How incredible everyone is. I have made God the center of my life. Maybe not my religion, but God is the center, and to me... that is enough. I can not be what everyone else wants me to be. I can only be true to myself.
I deserve to live life to the fullest, and stop letting this hip effect my life like it has. I will never be able to live physically as fully as I did once, but I think life is so much more than that now. it's not the Physical attributes that make life so wonderful. Sure, it is a lot more fun if you can run. If you can play volleyball with those hot guys on the beach, or do crazy things that pump your adrenaline... but that isn't 'life'. It's the little things. Wesley telling me that he loves me everyday, going out of his way to help me in any way he can. TC Being there and just loving me for me. They look up to me. I am their hero in a way... It's time to start acting like one that is worthy of their appraisal.
The little things are what make this life so special. I don't need fancy things in my life. I just need to do what I love. If I work hard enough to get what I want, I will succeed and fulfill my dreams. We all can. Work everyday, just a little to get one step closer, because that is all we can do. One baby step at a time, and when we look back years from now, we will be grateful we had the guts to start working on it. And we'll wonder how we ever made it to where we are... One day at a time.
So I am going to live my life fully. I am going to forget about the people who will not give me their time. If I am willing to do the little things for you, to make your life more enjoyable, and you are not willing to do that for me, I don't see the point. I am not here to keep hurting myself, and hoping you will change... I am here to make myself happy, and those that I love.
Life is too short to hold grudges, and too short to not have those relationships with the ones I love. My family will, and forever will come first. We all makes mistakes, and we all mess up. We hurt each other, and we all are stubborn in certain areas of our lives. But if we shun our family members and the ones we love, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. If we don't have that relationship we have always wanted with someone in our family, it is not their fault. It is yours. It is mine. It is always a two way street, and there is always someone who has to make the first step. I am willing to do that for the ones I love.
I am going to do what I love. live as if today were my last. I am going to work my butt off to prove that I can be everything i want to be. I am going to be my own hero. Love will find me if it wants to. If not, then I will be just fine because you know why? I know who I am, I love who I am, and I am not going to change that. I will always be me. And that is all I need. To love myself and be loved by those I love. Life is never easy. Love is never easy. But I know I am the type of girl who deserves the best. I will hold out forever for the guy who wants the real me. Someone who isn't only interested in my pretty face, but in me, the real me.
I have had so many good examples lately in my life. People who are there for me, because they can see that I am hurting and need them. I don't think that I am a bad person, and I don't think that I need to change anything, other than I need to focus on the new life in front of me. Every single aspect of it. And i need to accept the changes that have happened to my body physically. I need to embrace them, and I need to live. If I have learned anything in the last two years, it is that each day is a gift given to me. And I have learned how to live each day fully, but I have been so focused on the past, and getting better, and the things I have lost in those two years. No more. It is time to look forward. press forward, and just be. I am a new person, and I am going to own up to it. I have had such a hard time dealing with the idea of being disabled, but I am only disabled if I keep allowing myself to believe that.
Life was given to live in the now. To look forward to the future. Grab a hold of it and run. It's time i do that. Time to look to the Future and press forward with all that I have. Everything will fall into place in due time, I honestly believe that.
So that is exactly what I'm doing. The next phase of my life is letting the past go... and moving on with the present onto the future. :) I can be whoever i want to be. I can do, whatever I want to do. No more limitations, If i give myself limitations, that's all I will ever do.. be limited.
Time to fly. And I plan on doing just that.
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