On Saturday, I decided to rear end some innocent lady at a yeild sign. It wasn't persay a decision I made, it was more an action that happened. This incident could have been easily avoided. In fact, i sat the next 13 hours wishing I could have just taken one more second to do this, or to do that, or wished I would have just gone and done what I was planning before, in any of these cases, this would not have happened. if I could just rewind time for an hour, I would have. But we all know this is impossible. It is a tragic thing at times, but this is why we learn from our mistakes. This has been the biggest headache since the moment it happened. I have been so stressed all weekend, and now that the week has started, even more stressed. I learned today, that my employers are not going to go thru the insurance company and therefore making it so much more expensive, and therefore, i have to pay more. I was going to pay for it, but now that the bill is 4000 i can't. I am going to fight it. I know it isn't the smooth thing to do, but I don't think it is fair that even tho I am on insurance here and back home, and even tho it is not my car, it has insurance on it, that is what insurance is for... i just don't find it fair that because THEY don't want to spend the money for the premium to go up a little bit, I have to fork over 4000 dollars, WHICH is like all of what I will make out here. it is ridiculous, and not right. If it was my car, which I wish it was anyway, but... if it was, I would have had insurance on it, and I would be paying thru that... I wouldn't be doing this crap of going around insurance. So my mom told me to tell them that I will pay the deductible, and maybe possibly a little more, but I won't pay more because that is what insurance is for, to protect you. And since they are screwing me over, I don't think I should take it. I'm not going to be mean about it, but I don't think it is right. I really don't. I am not saying I won't pay at all, I will. I am just frustrated that they are the ones who furnish this car, furnish the insurance, and won't really give me a say of much in the matter. They don't want my car out here, and they don't want me paying for insurance... so I can't get around it, but then when something happens, they try to screw me over!? like what is that? it isn't enough that I already work past my hours every night, most nights. or that i am supposed to conserve on miles, but the kids' activities and what not take up all the miles I am allowed. I pay for my own gas, which they said they'd pay for. I find rides when I can. I even want to bring my car out here. I'm not trying to screw them over by saying I won't pay... I am only saying, I can not afford the price of that because THEY don't want to deal with insurance. It was an accident... Insurance is there to COVER THAT. oh I am sooooo annoyed right now. I can't pay that. and I won't. even if it means losing my job and moving back home. I am not going to pay $4000 to make these people happy. it just isn't going to happen. UGH.
the end. for now.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
So I have officially started the Connecticut Trip. July 16th, flew out of Salt Lake City International Airport with Jenna, one of my best friends. I was super excited she got on the same flight as I did.
We soon landed in Denver, got off, stretched our legs and got some food, then went back and waited for boarding a second time around.
Then we arrived in humid, sticky New york City... But the city was BEAUTIFUL from a plane at night! I wish I had snapped a picture of that.
SO now I am in Connecticut, enjoying the Humidity, enjoying the jet lag, and enjoying my new life. One day this won't see so surreal, for now.. I'll just live in the moment of excitement, for i am sure it will end soon!
We soon landed in Denver, got off, stretched our legs and got some food, then went back and waited for boarding a second time around.
Then we arrived in humid, sticky New york City... But the city was BEAUTIFUL from a plane at night! I wish I had snapped a picture of that.
SO now I am in Connecticut, enjoying the Humidity, enjoying the jet lag, and enjoying my new life. One day this won't see so surreal, for now.. I'll just live in the moment of excitement, for i am sure it will end soon!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Quote
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up... If a guy punches you, he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs, and someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
Every movie we see, Every story we're told, Implores us to wait for it.
The third act twist: The unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometime, we're so focused on finding out happy ending, we don't learn how to read the sings.
How to tell the ones who want us, from the ones who don't.
The ones who will stay from the ones who will leave.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy.
Maybe it's you.. ...on your own... ...picking up the pieces and starting over.
Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this:
Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls, and broken hearts.
Through all the blunders, and misread signals.
Through all the pain and embarrassment...
You never, EVER gave up hope.
:] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :]
Every movie we see, Every story we're told, Implores us to wait for it.
The third act twist: The unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometime, we're so focused on finding out happy ending, we don't learn how to read the sings.
How to tell the ones who want us, from the ones who don't.
The ones who will stay from the ones who will leave.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy.
Maybe it's you.. ...on your own... ...picking up the pieces and starting over.
Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this:
Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls, and broken hearts.
Through all the blunders, and misread signals.
Through all the pain and embarrassment...
You never, EVER gave up hope.
:] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :]
Monday, May 18, 2009
My Return
Today I made a visit up to the university of utah hospital. I went for my therapy, as my end session, and now I am over my accident. While this trip took place, I got to revisit the hospital from a totally different view than I was used to. See I have always been the patient, not the observer. I got to see the emergency room, which was small, but I recognized it immediately. It tripped me out. They showed me around, showed me exactly what would happen if i was to come in the way I came in a year previously. It was very interesting to hear and see what all happens, from a totally different view point. I enjoyed it. I also got to go see my two rooms that i stayed in while I was there. didn't get to go in them, because they were occupied... but I recogized my one room without even having a number to go to. After they took me up to the helipad where I got to see the helicopter and I also got to take pictures with the helicopter. It was so much fun. I never thought that it would have been fun. I just imagined it to be weird and strange, but nothing like enjoyable! They were all so happy to help me around and show me everything because I guess they don't get many people that come in on the helicopter to walk out of the hospital, which I really rolled out, and then come back later walking and all healed! I could tell it made their days to see a patient who was so messed up to be there walking around and laughing and joking with them. I think they enjoyed having me there as much as I enjoyed it. :) I also got a freaking awesome t-shirt! :)
over all it was a great day... for that part of the day at least! ;)
over all it was a great day... for that part of the day at least! ;)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Kim Possible
To preface this... I must say that I absolutely LOVE any cartoon... for the most part. anything Disney is HUGE in my book. Especially Kim Possible. I fall asleep watching the Disney Channel every night, unless I am with Taylor... I know... I am a nerd. :D but I am not ashamed.
So I had this day... It started out with waking up, Taylor was at my house because he needed to use my internet... sigh, the short version of this story, he lost his car, his license, long story, driving uninsured and caught... so I drive him around. Anyway, I was with him last night, and I refused to go get him before work this morning, so I made him stay at my house.
I went to work at 9, and my hip was having MASSIVE issues. I slept on my neck wrong as well and was in pain most of the day, the only time I was not is when my ibuprofen kicked in enough to dull it to a slight pain. I wore the wrong shoes to work as well, therefore resulting in very sore feet.
after getting off i didn't have the best night either. I ended up crying on my way home from taking Taylor home because I am emotional right now, and I just kept thinking of how things used to be with him... made me a bit sad. that is a long story too, but in short, I am happy with how we are now, we are way better friends than we ever were, and I wouldn't trade that for what we had before, it is just sometimes I get sad that we aren't together anymore.
Sitting at home, i have been pretty sad all night, it is a friday night, i should be out with friends. I am on this pity trip for myself, and it is pretty ridiculous.
This is when I decided that Kim Possible needed to happen. imagine how happy I was when I found episodes online for free! Now I am on the couch, not a light turned on in my entire house, typing this and watching Kim Possible.
it is amazing how much of a better mood I am in now! All I have to say is I LOVE cartoons and I LOVE Kim Possible!
ha ha ha, wow I am a nerd! ;)
Friday, April 10, 2009
hip update
So as most of you already know, I have a hip replacement... Been trying to get this leg of mine healed for a while. Well I just made a visit to my doctor the other day... this is how the appointment went...
After a few minutes in the waiting room, I was quickly assigned to a patient room. This in and of itself was amazing because after 10 in the morning, you usually have to wait in the waiting room for an hour to two just to be called back. Arriving there, I was greeted by a nurse that has seen me quite a bit. She talked to me for a bit, and then asked those questions I get asked everytime. How is the hip? What are you taking for pain? And what is the pain on a scale of 1-10? I am not entirely sure what I answered on the last time i visited but I know I have never answered lower than a 4, because my pain is never lower than a 4. I answered 3-4 this time. She then chatted a little more before excusing herself.
Not much later, She knocked on the door to go have x-rays done. I walked it, and the x-ray guys are very rarely ever the same guys... They were almost saddened, but happy I knew what I was doing. Sad cus obviously I have been there enough to know what to do, but happy they didn't have to coach me!
After x-rays, I walked out and saw my dr with another patient... he was happy to see me, waved and I made my way back to my room.
Minutes later my doctor and his Posse walked in. Posse refers to the two interns that follow him around all the time! When he walked in he told me to stop smiling, cus it hurt him. I kinda laughed and implied, why? He said, because you are always in so much pain, but you are somehow still a happy girl, I just don't get it. What he doesn't realize is I have been dealing with this pain for almost a year now, It is old news to me, and I have learned how to make it tolerable.
He sat down, said my x-rays looked great... Then he paused. He asked if I wanted to see a Chronic Specialist... I have a very close relationship with my doctor, as in everytime we see each other, for that 20 minutes we hug about 6 times. We are tight like that. Anyway, I was like, hell no. I don't want to see any doctor but you. Altho, I was not entirely sure what he meant by a chronic specialist.
Pretty soon after he had me jump on the examiner table and checked my range of motion. All three doctors "ooh-ed" and "aww-ed" It caught me off guard so I asked what was up. I guess I have the best range of motion of anyone that has ever gotten a hip replacement... keep in mind tho, all hip replacements go to those over the age of 40 at least.
We talked a little more, and he showed me my x-ray. Everything is healed! How amazing is that? I got very excited, until I noticed he was not as excited. He held his head between his hands for a minute... then started.. " Jess, so basically you came in here with a really f**ked up fracture. The worst kind. I had to put things together that no one knows how to put together. It was a shot in the dark. But you are walking. You still can move your leg. You are a miracle Child, And I really really like you." He then asked when my hip hurt the most. I replied, when I walk around for very long. He asked how long, and I said, about half hour of walking thru a mall or what not. His head then sunk once again. He breathed in heavily, and even tho I am still smiling at this point, I am worried. He showed me how he took a muscle from my pelvis region and had to put it with my hip. It is something he shouldn't have done, but he had absolutely no choice because of my fracture. He then explained that because that muscle is gone and everything is now healed up... I will never dance again. I will never walk without a limp, and my bone will always be turned, so I will be a little pigeon toe-ed on the one leg. My smile didn't last for very long, in fact, I almost started crying. But I pushed it away, and said, "at least I am walking right? Things could be so much worse, at least I am still walking."
Within a few minutes he was pushing on my hip trying to find where the pain was, I helped him out... and I didn't expect what happened next, in any way. He found where it hurt and pushed hard, and I screamed... Like a little dog does when you step on their paw? they yelp because it hurt unexpectedly.
He backed away and he looked so very forlorn, and sad. I didn't know how to respond so I just sat there.
He explained how he wish he didn't love me. How he wished I could be one of his patients that he can't wait to get out of the office and hope never to see again. But that he cared for me, and he loved me.. And thus is why it was so hard for him to tell me what he did previously, and what he was just about to tell me.
He said I would have to see a Chronic Specialist. So I inquired as to what that was. He replied with, You have chronic pain Jess. The pain in your hip now, will never go away. it may die down at times, and flame up at others, but you will always hurt the way you do at this time in your life. You will go see a doctor who will manage your pain. They will determine what kind of seriousness it is, and you will have to be on narcotics... for the rest of your life.
I am not sure how to respond to that. I was in a state of shock. Because of one minute that I screwed up and broke my hip, I will have to deal with the pain for the rest of my life. The consequence here is huge. What will happen when I am pregnant? I can hardly carry my own body weight around for more than a few hours, how will i carry a baby for 9 months?
However, when I left there, I wasn't upset. I was shocked, and a little confused, but not upset. I am one of the luckiest girls alive, one of the luckiest people to be still here. I could have it so much worse off than I do. The never dancing again and the limp hit me harder I think than the druggy for life part hit me.
Now... I told Danny this, and he got mad at my doctor for having the nerve to tell me what I can and can't do cus of my injury... But like I said to him, he didn't know this was going to happen, he waited until everything was healed to tell me, and he HATED telling me. I think he had a harder time with it than I did. He is one of the best guys out there, and normally I would try to prove the person who told me this wrong, but the fact that I am missing a crutial muscle that moves my leg in certain ways... I don't think there is any way I can prove him wrong.
The thing is I am still alive. I am still walking, which against all odds I should not be, and not only cause of the hip but from my back and neck. I am slowly accepting that I am different from everyone else. That I won't ever be able to do things that I could. I envy people, a lot actually, but I am very grateful I am still walking.
Yes, it is sad news, but things could be so much worse. I am just very thankful that I am where I am instead of a worse state. And the fact is, I chose the life I lead, I knew what I was getting into when I came here, and I still chose it... so some small thing like this isn't going to get me down. and I am going to do my best to be as healthy as I can be in my position, thats all I can ask for really, and I am happy with that.
anyway, that is my update of my leg/hip! PEACE OUT!
After a few minutes in the waiting room, I was quickly assigned to a patient room. This in and of itself was amazing because after 10 in the morning, you usually have to wait in the waiting room for an hour to two just to be called back. Arriving there, I was greeted by a nurse that has seen me quite a bit. She talked to me for a bit, and then asked those questions I get asked everytime. How is the hip? What are you taking for pain? And what is the pain on a scale of 1-10? I am not entirely sure what I answered on the last time i visited but I know I have never answered lower than a 4, because my pain is never lower than a 4. I answered 3-4 this time. She then chatted a little more before excusing herself.
Not much later, She knocked on the door to go have x-rays done. I walked it, and the x-ray guys are very rarely ever the same guys... They were almost saddened, but happy I knew what I was doing. Sad cus obviously I have been there enough to know what to do, but happy they didn't have to coach me!
After x-rays, I walked out and saw my dr with another patient... he was happy to see me, waved and I made my way back to my room.
Minutes later my doctor and his Posse walked in. Posse refers to the two interns that follow him around all the time! When he walked in he told me to stop smiling, cus it hurt him. I kinda laughed and implied, why? He said, because you are always in so much pain, but you are somehow still a happy girl, I just don't get it. What he doesn't realize is I have been dealing with this pain for almost a year now, It is old news to me, and I have learned how to make it tolerable.
He sat down, said my x-rays looked great... Then he paused. He asked if I wanted to see a Chronic Specialist... I have a very close relationship with my doctor, as in everytime we see each other, for that 20 minutes we hug about 6 times. We are tight like that. Anyway, I was like, hell no. I don't want to see any doctor but you. Altho, I was not entirely sure what he meant by a chronic specialist.
Pretty soon after he had me jump on the examiner table and checked my range of motion. All three doctors "ooh-ed" and "aww-ed" It caught me off guard so I asked what was up. I guess I have the best range of motion of anyone that has ever gotten a hip replacement... keep in mind tho, all hip replacements go to those over the age of 40 at least.
We talked a little more, and he showed me my x-ray. Everything is healed! How amazing is that? I got very excited, until I noticed he was not as excited. He held his head between his hands for a minute... then started.. " Jess, so basically you came in here with a really f**ked up fracture. The worst kind. I had to put things together that no one knows how to put together. It was a shot in the dark. But you are walking. You still can move your leg. You are a miracle Child, And I really really like you." He then asked when my hip hurt the most. I replied, when I walk around for very long. He asked how long, and I said, about half hour of walking thru a mall or what not. His head then sunk once again. He breathed in heavily, and even tho I am still smiling at this point, I am worried. He showed me how he took a muscle from my pelvis region and had to put it with my hip. It is something he shouldn't have done, but he had absolutely no choice because of my fracture. He then explained that because that muscle is gone and everything is now healed up... I will never dance again. I will never walk without a limp, and my bone will always be turned, so I will be a little pigeon toe-ed on the one leg. My smile didn't last for very long, in fact, I almost started crying. But I pushed it away, and said, "at least I am walking right? Things could be so much worse, at least I am still walking."
Within a few minutes he was pushing on my hip trying to find where the pain was, I helped him out... and I didn't expect what happened next, in any way. He found where it hurt and pushed hard, and I screamed... Like a little dog does when you step on their paw? they yelp because it hurt unexpectedly.
He backed away and he looked so very forlorn, and sad. I didn't know how to respond so I just sat there.
He explained how he wish he didn't love me. How he wished I could be one of his patients that he can't wait to get out of the office and hope never to see again. But that he cared for me, and he loved me.. And thus is why it was so hard for him to tell me what he did previously, and what he was just about to tell me.
He said I would have to see a Chronic Specialist. So I inquired as to what that was. He replied with, You have chronic pain Jess. The pain in your hip now, will never go away. it may die down at times, and flame up at others, but you will always hurt the way you do at this time in your life. You will go see a doctor who will manage your pain. They will determine what kind of seriousness it is, and you will have to be on narcotics... for the rest of your life.
I am not sure how to respond to that. I was in a state of shock. Because of one minute that I screwed up and broke my hip, I will have to deal with the pain for the rest of my life. The consequence here is huge. What will happen when I am pregnant? I can hardly carry my own body weight around for more than a few hours, how will i carry a baby for 9 months?
However, when I left there, I wasn't upset. I was shocked, and a little confused, but not upset. I am one of the luckiest girls alive, one of the luckiest people to be still here. I could have it so much worse off than I do. The never dancing again and the limp hit me harder I think than the druggy for life part hit me.
Now... I told Danny this, and he got mad at my doctor for having the nerve to tell me what I can and can't do cus of my injury... But like I said to him, he didn't know this was going to happen, he waited until everything was healed to tell me, and he HATED telling me. I think he had a harder time with it than I did. He is one of the best guys out there, and normally I would try to prove the person who told me this wrong, but the fact that I am missing a crutial muscle that moves my leg in certain ways... I don't think there is any way I can prove him wrong.
The thing is I am still alive. I am still walking, which against all odds I should not be, and not only cause of the hip but from my back and neck. I am slowly accepting that I am different from everyone else. That I won't ever be able to do things that I could. I envy people, a lot actually, but I am very grateful I am still walking.
Yes, it is sad news, but things could be so much worse. I am just very thankful that I am where I am instead of a worse state. And the fact is, I chose the life I lead, I knew what I was getting into when I came here, and I still chose it... so some small thing like this isn't going to get me down. and I am going to do my best to be as healthy as I can be in my position, thats all I can ask for really, and I am happy with that.
anyway, that is my update of my leg/hip! PEACE OUT!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
emo
Lets see... I am at home, sick and kinda bored... So I decided to write! I am a little out of it today. I started Birth Control Yesterday so I am blaming my emotional state on that.
The other night I went on a date with a really cool kid. The only issue is it wasn't Taylor. Well, Tay asked about it and I told him I had a lot of fun. Well, I think in order to get back at me, he told me today he went to Emma's last night and had a lot of fun with Emma and Andy. And I am not going to lie, him not having drama with those two makes me happy, but the way he said it, it seemed like he was shoving it in my face. I didn't know how to react, so instead of being cool like I have been for the past couple of days with him, I completely broke down. I just started bawling for half hour.
I still am having a way hard time. I feel like I am fine, but I just feel like I could cry about anything and everything. I am not sure why, but I am going to blame the birth control.
Have you ever been stuck somewhere in your life, and not sure how you are going to get out of it? I am there. How do I move on? I want to wait for this kid because no one seems to understand how much I love him... He is perfect for me, and we are perfection together. You never will understand unless being in the situation. Altho I do have a lot of ppl who for the most part support me. Sigh... But this isn't something I can walk away from. I can't not love him. And I can't move on because I went out the other night and the whole time I was thinking, this kid is super nice, but he isn't Taylor. sigh... I know what i am doing is right, because I pray about it all the time, but am I really supposed to be hurting this much about it?
I need a job.... That is all there is to it. That would help things out a lot honestly.
Anyway, I just really needed to vent about my dearly beloved issues in my life. I am now done and I am going to go see my gramma now.
kisses.
The other night I went on a date with a really cool kid. The only issue is it wasn't Taylor. Well, Tay asked about it and I told him I had a lot of fun. Well, I think in order to get back at me, he told me today he went to Emma's last night and had a lot of fun with Emma and Andy. And I am not going to lie, him not having drama with those two makes me happy, but the way he said it, it seemed like he was shoving it in my face. I didn't know how to react, so instead of being cool like I have been for the past couple of days with him, I completely broke down. I just started bawling for half hour.
I still am having a way hard time. I feel like I am fine, but I just feel like I could cry about anything and everything. I am not sure why, but I am going to blame the birth control.
Have you ever been stuck somewhere in your life, and not sure how you are going to get out of it? I am there. How do I move on? I want to wait for this kid because no one seems to understand how much I love him... He is perfect for me, and we are perfection together. You never will understand unless being in the situation. Altho I do have a lot of ppl who for the most part support me. Sigh... But this isn't something I can walk away from. I can't not love him. And I can't move on because I went out the other night and the whole time I was thinking, this kid is super nice, but he isn't Taylor. sigh... I know what i am doing is right, because I pray about it all the time, but am I really supposed to be hurting this much about it?
I need a job.... That is all there is to it. That would help things out a lot honestly.
Anyway, I just really needed to vent about my dearly beloved issues in my life. I am now done and I am going to go see my gramma now.
kisses.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
.x. missing Taylor .x.
Most of you know about Taylor and I. If not, we broke up. Rather he broke up with me. For very good reasons, and I don't blame him at all. I actually support his decision. And then again, as most of you know this as well, I have taken this all a lot better than anyone ever expected. I have picked it up and ran with it, with my head held high, and I have surprisingly been okay with it. I have been so good about just being there for him, and being his friend, and supporting this, and in a great mood about it. ... then we have days like today.
Today I woke up from a dream, involving him. I will say this, I turned over expecting him to be there, and started crying when I realized i was in reality again. I am surprised at how well I have been doing, but we all knew that this day would come. The day where I realize what I just lost, and I am overwhelmed and suffer that heartbreak that I didn't go thru the first day. Being friends is what he needs right now, and as much as I hate to say it, it is most likely better for me as well. But it is hard. It .. hasn't been that hard tho.... not as hard as I would have thought by any means. But today is a different case. I think, and hope, it is just a one day thing. I feel so empty, so lost, so hurt, and so alone. I am really glad no one is home right now because I can't stop crying. I took a shower today and cried the whole time, and i wish it was raining today because then no one could see my tears. I don't know why today is so much harder for me. I don't understand it. I wish I didn't have to feel this way tho. I can't even imagine what it would be like tho if we weren't friends... I would be locked in my room for hours... guaranteed.
Many will disagree, and think that I am stupid, and just causing more pain, but I am going to wait for him. Let's be honest here... none of my friends have witnessed anything about our relationship except for what I tell them... Taylor and I are the only ones who really know what is going on. No one has been around enough to make any kind of judgement about our relationship, not saying that anyone had a chance anyway. I am rarely around my friends with him, and vice versa. Therefore no one can tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Advise... yes, but they can't expect me to do what they say. Taylor treated me better than anyone ever has. He has always been there for me, and he does the cutest things for me. Things that are small, and insignificant to most, but to me it shows me that he really loves me. I don't care for big things. I don't care that I should be with him more, he goes out of his way to make me feel like the only girl alive, and the only girl who is loved. I deserve that. I deserve to feel like a queen, and with him, I feel like a goddess. What everyone needs to realize, is every relationship has it's faults, and it's issues, that doesn't mean it is a bad relationship or you deserve better... it means that things are working out how they have to. There are some cases where there are way more bad times than good, and those need to be reconsidered, and someone needs to take a closer look, but no one can say what you are to do, except for you, because you are the one that is in it, and the one who knows how that person is, and details that others just don't understand. This does not mean that I don't want advise, because I do. I want all of you to help me as much as you can... But I don't wanna hear I deserve better, because in my eyes, he is the best because I know how he really treats me. And i don't want you to be offended if I don't follow your advise, because I will do what I think is best for us, you just have to trust me that I know what that is. But I still want advise like I have been getting, and all the support I have been getting. You are all being very good friends to me, and I don't deserve that, but I am very grateful for it, thank you very much. Anyway, I am in love with this guy. I will do whatever I have to, to get him back, even if it is painful and a long process. Cuz I know what we can be.
Sigh... i didn't want to go into that, not as much as I just hurt today. I want to be held today. I want him to come hold me as I cry because I miss us. I need that right now. I need him right now. In the last 9 months, He has become my best friend. I have had a really hard year, and he was the one who I could talk to all day, and I learned to trust him. I gave him my heart. He really is my best friend. he knows me better than anyone. Right now, more than needing the one I love, I need my best friend. But I feel it is a conflict of interest, and it kinda is. This is why I am so torn right now. I need that comfort that a best friend gives, I need hugs... I need to cry on that persons shoulder, and hear that I am going to be alright, that everything is going to work out just greatly. And more than anything, I want it to be him that I cry to. Just because I feel safe with him. But I know at the same time it would hurt him to see me cry... over him nonetheless. but right now I need this. I guess I will have to deal with writing a blog tho. Which is in no way anywhere near as comforting.
I ache inside. I feel vulnerable, and empty. In a month this will all be easier, and things will be better, or at least I hope. I love him. I want you all to know this... I want you to understand that this guy is my world. I honestly would do anything he asked me to, if it was for the good of us, or him. I have never experienced loving someone like this. It's a constant thing, and I never doubt it. With Ben, John, Houston, and Jeremiah, I did doubt it. not much, but i did from time to time. And none of them meant even 1/4 as much as he does to me. At the time, that was love... I loved them all, very much. With my whole existance, but I just found something stronger. Something that is so very real. It's a kinda thing you only read about, stuff you hear about, but you never really experience. It is the undying need and want to make that person happy. When they are sad, you are as well, and vice versa, but you are there to cheer them up when they need it, and even if you are down, you do it because to see them happy, even just a smile, would make your world have a little bit more sunshine. You'd honestly go thru endless misery and torment, if it meant their happiness. It's an Edward/Bella kinda love. I need him to be my best, at my full potential. Yes, I could be just fine with out him, happy even... But with him, that is perfection, and endless happiness... absolute greatness. With that, I'd never lose. it's hard to explain how much i love him. There really aren't words to describe the feelings I have. His happiness makes me happy. Some of you may understand, but I bet a lot of you do not. It's more than a feeling... it's me. His heart is in my chest, as is mine in his. There is nothing stronger in this world. It's nothing no one could ever break, even when we are not together, it's still stronger than anything I have ever seen. Even now, hurting, I consider myself the luckiest girl alive to have had that, and still have it, even tho right now it hurts.
Today I woke up from a dream, involving him. I will say this, I turned over expecting him to be there, and started crying when I realized i was in reality again. I am surprised at how well I have been doing, but we all knew that this day would come. The day where I realize what I just lost, and I am overwhelmed and suffer that heartbreak that I didn't go thru the first day. Being friends is what he needs right now, and as much as I hate to say it, it is most likely better for me as well. But it is hard. It .. hasn't been that hard tho.... not as hard as I would have thought by any means. But today is a different case. I think, and hope, it is just a one day thing. I feel so empty, so lost, so hurt, and so alone. I am really glad no one is home right now because I can't stop crying. I took a shower today and cried the whole time, and i wish it was raining today because then no one could see my tears. I don't know why today is so much harder for me. I don't understand it. I wish I didn't have to feel this way tho. I can't even imagine what it would be like tho if we weren't friends... I would be locked in my room for hours... guaranteed.
Many will disagree, and think that I am stupid, and just causing more pain, but I am going to wait for him. Let's be honest here... none of my friends have witnessed anything about our relationship except for what I tell them... Taylor and I are the only ones who really know what is going on. No one has been around enough to make any kind of judgement about our relationship, not saying that anyone had a chance anyway. I am rarely around my friends with him, and vice versa. Therefore no one can tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Advise... yes, but they can't expect me to do what they say. Taylor treated me better than anyone ever has. He has always been there for me, and he does the cutest things for me. Things that are small, and insignificant to most, but to me it shows me that he really loves me. I don't care for big things. I don't care that I should be with him more, he goes out of his way to make me feel like the only girl alive, and the only girl who is loved. I deserve that. I deserve to feel like a queen, and with him, I feel like a goddess. What everyone needs to realize, is every relationship has it's faults, and it's issues, that doesn't mean it is a bad relationship or you deserve better... it means that things are working out how they have to. There are some cases where there are way more bad times than good, and those need to be reconsidered, and someone needs to take a closer look, but no one can say what you are to do, except for you, because you are the one that is in it, and the one who knows how that person is, and details that others just don't understand. This does not mean that I don't want advise, because I do. I want all of you to help me as much as you can... But I don't wanna hear I deserve better, because in my eyes, he is the best because I know how he really treats me. And i don't want you to be offended if I don't follow your advise, because I will do what I think is best for us, you just have to trust me that I know what that is. But I still want advise like I have been getting, and all the support I have been getting. You are all being very good friends to me, and I don't deserve that, but I am very grateful for it, thank you very much. Anyway, I am in love with this guy. I will do whatever I have to, to get him back, even if it is painful and a long process. Cuz I know what we can be.
Sigh... i didn't want to go into that, not as much as I just hurt today. I want to be held today. I want him to come hold me as I cry because I miss us. I need that right now. I need him right now. In the last 9 months, He has become my best friend. I have had a really hard year, and he was the one who I could talk to all day, and I learned to trust him. I gave him my heart. He really is my best friend. he knows me better than anyone. Right now, more than needing the one I love, I need my best friend. But I feel it is a conflict of interest, and it kinda is. This is why I am so torn right now. I need that comfort that a best friend gives, I need hugs... I need to cry on that persons shoulder, and hear that I am going to be alright, that everything is going to work out just greatly. And more than anything, I want it to be him that I cry to. Just because I feel safe with him. But I know at the same time it would hurt him to see me cry... over him nonetheless. but right now I need this. I guess I will have to deal with writing a blog tho. Which is in no way anywhere near as comforting.
I ache inside. I feel vulnerable, and empty. In a month this will all be easier, and things will be better, or at least I hope. I love him. I want you all to know this... I want you to understand that this guy is my world. I honestly would do anything he asked me to, if it was for the good of us, or him. I have never experienced loving someone like this. It's a constant thing, and I never doubt it. With Ben, John, Houston, and Jeremiah, I did doubt it. not much, but i did from time to time. And none of them meant even 1/4 as much as he does to me. At the time, that was love... I loved them all, very much. With my whole existance, but I just found something stronger. Something that is so very real. It's a kinda thing you only read about, stuff you hear about, but you never really experience. It is the undying need and want to make that person happy. When they are sad, you are as well, and vice versa, but you are there to cheer them up when they need it, and even if you are down, you do it because to see them happy, even just a smile, would make your world have a little bit more sunshine. You'd honestly go thru endless misery and torment, if it meant their happiness. It's an Edward/Bella kinda love. I need him to be my best, at my full potential. Yes, I could be just fine with out him, happy even... But with him, that is perfection, and endless happiness... absolute greatness. With that, I'd never lose. it's hard to explain how much i love him. There really aren't words to describe the feelings I have. His happiness makes me happy. Some of you may understand, but I bet a lot of you do not. It's more than a feeling... it's me. His heart is in my chest, as is mine in his. There is nothing stronger in this world. It's nothing no one could ever break, even when we are not together, it's still stronger than anything I have ever seen. Even now, hurting, I consider myself the luckiest girl alive to have had that, and still have it, even tho right now it hurts.
I am just hurting because I love him so much and miss him today. I need him, and he is not here for me because I am afraid to hurt him when he sees me hurting. sigh...
I said hello I think I'm broken
And though I was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed
I was tryin' to be clever
For the life of me I never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain
No medicine can fix
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
Lookin' back it's still surprisin'
I was sinking you were rising
With a look you caught me in mid-air
Now I know God has His reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When I awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
Your made crazy sane
You became the missing link
That helped me break my chains
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
The bad news is you're gone
I miss you Taylor. :] I know everything is going to be okay, and I really honestly feel we will one day be together and very happy... For right now being friends is best. Just know that I love you, and I will miss you all the time, and sometimes have days like today, when I just need to be held. :]
I love you.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Jae's Life As Of Now
So I am finally now a blogger! ah ha! A little update in my life... After not walking for 7 months cause of my accident, I am now walking, and my limp is a lot smaller than it used to be. I am healing just great. My last dr. appointment informed me that my leg is not broken anymore, it is finally all healed up! Well, I decided it was time to branch out and become myself again. I moved to Draper, and in with April and George. A day after I moved in, my boyfriend broke up with me, and a huge reason to moving down here was to be with him. I had a really hard time with it, and I cried for a while, but I am doing great now. Well, as great as I can be without him. Life goes on, and we are still really good friends, so life is good.
I love living with April, because she has this ability to put anyone in a good mood and smile. She has a wonderful talent with that, and I am incredibly happy to call her my friend. Things have been a lot easier with her here able to talk to, and her giving her input. She doesn't judge situations much. She realizes that you are the one in the relationship, and you know what is best for what is going on. Having that kind of support is very helpful right now. I feel like I need to be his friend right now. more than anything, and some people don't realize I need to do that, rather than move on. It is the only thing that feels right right now. April gets that. Some other friends do as well, but for whatever reason, April is the most supportive. And maybe it is because she is around me and sees what it is like with him, and without him for me.
I went to see my therapist yesterday for my car accident. It was enjoyable. nothing too exciting, but I am supposed to write down all my dreams that involve cars. I meet with him again in two weeks. he is a really nice guy, and it was really good to talk to someone about it. It was a little awkward, not going to lie, but it was good for me. I felt a little bit better. Then I also talked to him about Taylor, and that seemed to help a lot as well. Who knew... Jess seeing a therapist? Dude... I'm the one who gives out advice to all my friends, how come all of a sudden I have to have a stranger interpet my life. It isn't bad tho. Not at all.
So as I sit here in my new home, and what once was my old one, I realize how crazy life is... but how blessed I am to be where I am. Yesterday, I went to salt lake, and it was 61 degrees, and raining! it was like the perfect day. And then here in Draper it was 61 but it was sunny. I love being out on my own. I love the friends that I have that have helped me thru what I have been going thru as of late. Life gives you stuff that will knock you down, and things that will take you up as you are flying. The secret to this is, you have to enjoy those flying trips so incredibly much, and when you start descending, realize that it is descending, but don't be sad about it. Every plane has to land so that it can go back up. I try my best to be positive and my best to be a good friend. If there is anything I have learned in this last year, it has been that Positivity is honestly key. You aren't going to go anywhere if you are always depressed. easier said than done? sure, I guess I can go along with that... but it isn't as hard as one would think either. Maybe at first, but then you get used to it. and feeling better, isn't that always a better thing than feeling sad, angry or depressed? I personally don't like those feelings, so I don't let myself get caught up in them.
Either way, Life is good for me right now. I have an interview tomorrow, hopefully something will come from that, and things will be hard with my leg, but you know what, I am going to push it, and I am going to be okay because I believe that. :D
Now I must go get ready and go meet April for lunch before getting my phone fixed! :) Peace!
I love living with April, because she has this ability to put anyone in a good mood and smile. She has a wonderful talent with that, and I am incredibly happy to call her my friend. Things have been a lot easier with her here able to talk to, and her giving her input. She doesn't judge situations much. She realizes that you are the one in the relationship, and you know what is best for what is going on. Having that kind of support is very helpful right now. I feel like I need to be his friend right now. more than anything, and some people don't realize I need to do that, rather than move on. It is the only thing that feels right right now. April gets that. Some other friends do as well, but for whatever reason, April is the most supportive. And maybe it is because she is around me and sees what it is like with him, and without him for me.
I went to see my therapist yesterday for my car accident. It was enjoyable. nothing too exciting, but I am supposed to write down all my dreams that involve cars. I meet with him again in two weeks. he is a really nice guy, and it was really good to talk to someone about it. It was a little awkward, not going to lie, but it was good for me. I felt a little bit better. Then I also talked to him about Taylor, and that seemed to help a lot as well. Who knew... Jess seeing a therapist? Dude... I'm the one who gives out advice to all my friends, how come all of a sudden I have to have a stranger interpet my life. It isn't bad tho. Not at all.
So as I sit here in my new home, and what once was my old one, I realize how crazy life is... but how blessed I am to be where I am. Yesterday, I went to salt lake, and it was 61 degrees, and raining! it was like the perfect day. And then here in Draper it was 61 but it was sunny. I love being out on my own. I love the friends that I have that have helped me thru what I have been going thru as of late. Life gives you stuff that will knock you down, and things that will take you up as you are flying. The secret to this is, you have to enjoy those flying trips so incredibly much, and when you start descending, realize that it is descending, but don't be sad about it. Every plane has to land so that it can go back up. I try my best to be positive and my best to be a good friend. If there is anything I have learned in this last year, it has been that Positivity is honestly key. You aren't going to go anywhere if you are always depressed. easier said than done? sure, I guess I can go along with that... but it isn't as hard as one would think either. Maybe at first, but then you get used to it. and feeling better, isn't that always a better thing than feeling sad, angry or depressed? I personally don't like those feelings, so I don't let myself get caught up in them.
Either way, Life is good for me right now. I have an interview tomorrow, hopefully something will come from that, and things will be hard with my leg, but you know what, I am going to push it, and I am going to be okay because I believe that. :D
Now I must go get ready and go meet April for lunch before getting my phone fixed! :) Peace!
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