Most of you know about Taylor and I. If not, we broke up. Rather he broke up with me. For very good reasons, and I don't blame him at all. I actually support his decision. And then again, as most of you know this as well, I have taken this all a lot better than anyone ever expected. I have picked it up and ran with it, with my head held high, and I have surprisingly been okay with it. I have been so good about just being there for him, and being his friend, and supporting this, and in a great mood about it. ... then we have days like today.
Today I woke up from a dream, involving him. I will say this, I turned over expecting him to be there, and started crying when I realized i was in reality again. I am surprised at how well I have been doing, but we all knew that this day would come. The day where I realize what I just lost, and I am overwhelmed and suffer that heartbreak that I didn't go thru the first day. Being friends is what he needs right now, and as much as I hate to say it, it is most likely better for me as well. But it is hard. It .. hasn't been that hard tho.... not as hard as I would have thought by any means. But today is a different case. I think, and hope, it is just a one day thing. I feel so empty, so lost, so hurt, and so alone. I am really glad no one is home right now because I can't stop crying. I took a shower today and cried the whole time, and i wish it was raining today because then no one could see my tears. I don't know why today is so much harder for me. I don't understand it. I wish I didn't have to feel this way tho. I can't even imagine what it would be like tho if we weren't friends... I would be locked in my room for hours... guaranteed.
Many will disagree, and think that I am stupid, and just causing more pain, but I am going to wait for him. Let's be honest here... none of my friends have witnessed anything about our relationship except for what I tell them... Taylor and I are the only ones who really know what is going on. No one has been around enough to make any kind of judgement about our relationship, not saying that anyone had a chance anyway. I am rarely around my friends with him, and vice versa. Therefore no one can tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Advise... yes, but they can't expect me to do what they say. Taylor treated me better than anyone ever has. He has always been there for me, and he does the cutest things for me. Things that are small, and insignificant to most, but to me it shows me that he really loves me. I don't care for big things. I don't care that I should be with him more, he goes out of his way to make me feel like the only girl alive, and the only girl who is loved. I deserve that. I deserve to feel like a queen, and with him, I feel like a goddess. What everyone needs to realize, is every relationship has it's faults, and it's issues, that doesn't mean it is a bad relationship or you deserve better... it means that things are working out how they have to. There are some cases where there are way more bad times than good, and those need to be reconsidered, and someone needs to take a closer look, but no one can say what you are to do, except for you, because you are the one that is in it, and the one who knows how that person is, and details that others just don't understand. This does not mean that I don't want advise, because I do. I want all of you to help me as much as you can... But I don't wanna hear I deserve better, because in my eyes, he is the best because I know how he really treats me. And i don't want you to be offended if I don't follow your advise, because I will do what I think is best for us, you just have to trust me that I know what that is. But I still want advise like I have been getting, and all the support I have been getting. You are all being very good friends to me, and I don't deserve that, but I am very grateful for it, thank you very much. Anyway, I am in love with this guy. I will do whatever I have to, to get him back, even if it is painful and a long process. Cuz I know what we can be.
Sigh... i didn't want to go into that, not as much as I just hurt today. I want to be held today. I want him to come hold me as I cry because I miss us. I need that right now. I need him right now. In the last 9 months, He has become my best friend. I have had a really hard year, and he was the one who I could talk to all day, and I learned to trust him. I gave him my heart. He really is my best friend. he knows me better than anyone. Right now, more than needing the one I love, I need my best friend. But I feel it is a conflict of interest, and it kinda is. This is why I am so torn right now. I need that comfort that a best friend gives, I need hugs... I need to cry on that persons shoulder, and hear that I am going to be alright, that everything is going to work out just greatly. And more than anything, I want it to be him that I cry to. Just because I feel safe with him. But I know at the same time it would hurt him to see me cry... over him nonetheless. but right now I need this. I guess I will have to deal with writing a blog tho. Which is in no way anywhere near as comforting.
I ache inside. I feel vulnerable, and empty. In a month this will all be easier, and things will be better, or at least I hope. I love him. I want you all to know this... I want you to understand that this guy is my world. I honestly would do anything he asked me to, if it was for the good of us, or him. I have never experienced loving someone like this. It's a constant thing, and I never doubt it. With Ben, John, Houston, and Jeremiah, I did doubt it. not much, but i did from time to time. And none of them meant even 1/4 as much as he does to me. At the time, that was love... I loved them all, very much. With my whole existance, but I just found something stronger. Something that is so very real. It's a kinda thing you only read about, stuff you hear about, but you never really experience. It is the undying need and want to make that person happy. When they are sad, you are as well, and vice versa, but you are there to cheer them up when they need it, and even if you are down, you do it because to see them happy, even just a smile, would make your world have a little bit more sunshine. You'd honestly go thru endless misery and torment, if it meant their happiness. It's an Edward/Bella kinda love. I need him to be my best, at my full potential. Yes, I could be just fine with out him, happy even... But with him, that is perfection, and endless happiness... absolute greatness. With that, I'd never lose. it's hard to explain how much i love him. There really aren't words to describe the feelings I have. His happiness makes me happy. Some of you may understand, but I bet a lot of you do not. It's more than a feeling... it's me. His heart is in my chest, as is mine in his. There is nothing stronger in this world. It's nothing no one could ever break, even when we are not together, it's still stronger than anything I have ever seen. Even now, hurting, I consider myself the luckiest girl alive to have had that, and still have it, even tho right now it hurts.
Today I woke up from a dream, involving him. I will say this, I turned over expecting him to be there, and started crying when I realized i was in reality again. I am surprised at how well I have been doing, but we all knew that this day would come. The day where I realize what I just lost, and I am overwhelmed and suffer that heartbreak that I didn't go thru the first day. Being friends is what he needs right now, and as much as I hate to say it, it is most likely better for me as well. But it is hard. It .. hasn't been that hard tho.... not as hard as I would have thought by any means. But today is a different case. I think, and hope, it is just a one day thing. I feel so empty, so lost, so hurt, and so alone. I am really glad no one is home right now because I can't stop crying. I took a shower today and cried the whole time, and i wish it was raining today because then no one could see my tears. I don't know why today is so much harder for me. I don't understand it. I wish I didn't have to feel this way tho. I can't even imagine what it would be like tho if we weren't friends... I would be locked in my room for hours... guaranteed.
Many will disagree, and think that I am stupid, and just causing more pain, but I am going to wait for him. Let's be honest here... none of my friends have witnessed anything about our relationship except for what I tell them... Taylor and I are the only ones who really know what is going on. No one has been around enough to make any kind of judgement about our relationship, not saying that anyone had a chance anyway. I am rarely around my friends with him, and vice versa. Therefore no one can tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Advise... yes, but they can't expect me to do what they say. Taylor treated me better than anyone ever has. He has always been there for me, and he does the cutest things for me. Things that are small, and insignificant to most, but to me it shows me that he really loves me. I don't care for big things. I don't care that I should be with him more, he goes out of his way to make me feel like the only girl alive, and the only girl who is loved. I deserve that. I deserve to feel like a queen, and with him, I feel like a goddess. What everyone needs to realize, is every relationship has it's faults, and it's issues, that doesn't mean it is a bad relationship or you deserve better... it means that things are working out how they have to. There are some cases where there are way more bad times than good, and those need to be reconsidered, and someone needs to take a closer look, but no one can say what you are to do, except for you, because you are the one that is in it, and the one who knows how that person is, and details that others just don't understand. This does not mean that I don't want advise, because I do. I want all of you to help me as much as you can... But I don't wanna hear I deserve better, because in my eyes, he is the best because I know how he really treats me. And i don't want you to be offended if I don't follow your advise, because I will do what I think is best for us, you just have to trust me that I know what that is. But I still want advise like I have been getting, and all the support I have been getting. You are all being very good friends to me, and I don't deserve that, but I am very grateful for it, thank you very much. Anyway, I am in love with this guy. I will do whatever I have to, to get him back, even if it is painful and a long process. Cuz I know what we can be.
Sigh... i didn't want to go into that, not as much as I just hurt today. I want to be held today. I want him to come hold me as I cry because I miss us. I need that right now. I need him right now. In the last 9 months, He has become my best friend. I have had a really hard year, and he was the one who I could talk to all day, and I learned to trust him. I gave him my heart. He really is my best friend. he knows me better than anyone. Right now, more than needing the one I love, I need my best friend. But I feel it is a conflict of interest, and it kinda is. This is why I am so torn right now. I need that comfort that a best friend gives, I need hugs... I need to cry on that persons shoulder, and hear that I am going to be alright, that everything is going to work out just greatly. And more than anything, I want it to be him that I cry to. Just because I feel safe with him. But I know at the same time it would hurt him to see me cry... over him nonetheless. but right now I need this. I guess I will have to deal with writing a blog tho. Which is in no way anywhere near as comforting.
I ache inside. I feel vulnerable, and empty. In a month this will all be easier, and things will be better, or at least I hope. I love him. I want you all to know this... I want you to understand that this guy is my world. I honestly would do anything he asked me to, if it was for the good of us, or him. I have never experienced loving someone like this. It's a constant thing, and I never doubt it. With Ben, John, Houston, and Jeremiah, I did doubt it. not much, but i did from time to time. And none of them meant even 1/4 as much as he does to me. At the time, that was love... I loved them all, very much. With my whole existance, but I just found something stronger. Something that is so very real. It's a kinda thing you only read about, stuff you hear about, but you never really experience. It is the undying need and want to make that person happy. When they are sad, you are as well, and vice versa, but you are there to cheer them up when they need it, and even if you are down, you do it because to see them happy, even just a smile, would make your world have a little bit more sunshine. You'd honestly go thru endless misery and torment, if it meant their happiness. It's an Edward/Bella kinda love. I need him to be my best, at my full potential. Yes, I could be just fine with out him, happy even... But with him, that is perfection, and endless happiness... absolute greatness. With that, I'd never lose. it's hard to explain how much i love him. There really aren't words to describe the feelings I have. His happiness makes me happy. Some of you may understand, but I bet a lot of you do not. It's more than a feeling... it's me. His heart is in my chest, as is mine in his. There is nothing stronger in this world. It's nothing no one could ever break, even when we are not together, it's still stronger than anything I have ever seen. Even now, hurting, I consider myself the luckiest girl alive to have had that, and still have it, even tho right now it hurts.
I am just hurting because I love him so much and miss him today. I need him, and he is not here for me because I am afraid to hurt him when he sees me hurting. sigh...
I said hello I think I'm broken
And though I was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed
I was tryin' to be clever
For the life of me I never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain
No medicine can fix
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
Lookin' back it's still surprisin'
I was sinking you were rising
With a look you caught me in mid-air
Now I know God has His reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When I awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
Your made crazy sane
You became the missing link
That helped me break my chains
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
The bad news is you're gone
I miss you Taylor. :] I know everything is going to be okay, and I really honestly feel we will one day be together and very happy... For right now being friends is best. Just know that I love you, and I will miss you all the time, and sometimes have days like today, when I just need to be held. :]
I love you.
AWww I will hold you!!
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