There's so much to say, and how to word it... I'll never be able to explain in words all that I am going thru. Five years ago I thought that by now I would have the world in my hands. That I would be a professional singer and living the life. It was my goal, because the two things I love most is singing and dancing. I had no idea that five years from then I wouldn't be able to dance anymore. I have had two surgeries in 6 weeks time. Talk about stressful. Now three weeks after the latest surgery, I have been told by my doctor that I will not dance again, i will not run as well as everyone else, I won't get to do all the physical things I want to anymore. Now... I should see a Therapist so that I can handle giving that up because I am 23. I only lived to be 21 and be physically active. It's not like most people, who choose not to go running, choose not to exercise... I simply can't... no matter how badly I wanted to. Now I know, that hearing this most people are like, you have to be positive, and believe you will get there, work hard, and prove the doctors wrong. To those people I say simply this; I have been fighting the Doctors for two years now. I have come thru miraculous recoveries and can do stuff I shouldn't be able to do, but the fact of the matter is, I have to face reality... I am not getting better. I healed... and since then, It's just gotten worse. The more we agitate my hip, the worse it seems to get. I have been fighting for two years. that's a long time to be disabled, let me tell you... But here is the simple truth... I am the best I'll be at. It's not going to get better. And To finally realize that, and to accept it instead of fight it and try to prove someone wrong... it kills me. I have cried every single day since I realized My dr was right... I really won't ever get back to being me. This is me now... I will forever be in pain, and I will forever have problems with my hip. I'll never be physically active again. My doctor is right, I do need to see a therapist to help me thru this because I honestly can't even handle the thought of it. I think about it for two seconds and I am crying the rest of the day. I do need to see someone... so that I can handle this.

Here's another truth... I do a lot better when I am around people. When I talk to people, I act like my hip is no big deal. I am super positive and I act like I am the toughest girl in this world. The truth of it is, I am not. I cry when I am alone, and when I think about it. I can't handle it. I am such a whimp it is ridiculous. Yeah, I am positive about it, but for the most part, when I am alone, I just break down. and it happens... all the time. It's facade I have learned how to carry around. When I'm with people, they would never know that this is hard for me. They'd just think I am amazing for pulling thru it all like I am. There is so much none of you see behind closed doors. I mean, not even my family understands how hard this is on me, because I refuse to bring people in. I fear if I complain about how hard this really is on me, people will stop being my friends, they'll stop caring, and I'll be alone... and that scares me more than anything in this world. Alone with my thoughts, all the time? I couldn't handle it quite literally.

I'm so lost, and hurt, I don't even know what to do anymore. Carry the mask I guess. Continue to be happy Tough Jess that everyone loves, because that is what I need, and what everyone else needs. But there is a side of me no one understands. A side no one sees. The side that when you think about if this had happened to you... oh how hard it'd be on you, and how you couldn't handle it at all... I have that side of me too. Even tho I'll never admit it. It's got to the point I don't think I am strong enough for it anymore. And honestly... I get to that point a lot. sigh, but what can you do?

Life as it were

It's been a while since I have posted on this site. A long while in fact. Crazy how time flies and you just lose track of half the stuff that you are a part of, like this site. It's so weird too because I absolutely love blogging, but for whatever reason, I just forget that I have a blog. ha.

Well here we go with an update. I have just recently got surgery, another hip replacement, on the 9th of March. I made a bet with my dr and therefore won 25 dollars from him. ha. I however left it in the hospital, so I lost my money. :( I was incredibly sad about that. Anywho, I am recovering well I think. It is a very slow process but it isn't bad. I just recently learned that my dr cut my tendon, and therefore the healing process is going to be a lot longer than I had planned. I hope however it does not effect my ability to work because I am running out of money. ha.

Life in utah. things are good to say the least. Yes, there is drama every now and then, and I miss my connecticut friends more than you can ever imagine, but I am doing well, and fitting in well.

I am dating a guy named Dave. Now, we aren't official by any means, but the kid is crazy about me, and I get butterflies everytime I think of him. :) He actually text me last night/ this morning at 3 am, and then put his phone in his pocket and pocket called me. I was not very happy, and I didn't wake up in time, so I called him back, and he profusely apologized. it was humerous tho.
That's Dave! :) He is incredibly gorgeous, that is for sure. and the most positive person I have ever in my life met. This is our story...
When going into surgery, we had mutual friends and so had each other's number, and texted all the time. He has been thru two major surgeries before, so he knows what it's like to be in the hospital and all that fun stuff. anyway, he came at 2 in the morning the first night and stayed up with me all night long. :) He came back the other two nights as well, and the last night he held my hand all night long, and I eventually moved over so he could sleep on my bed with me. It was pretty much out of a fairytale story won't lie.
We have hung out a lot and I know he likes me, but things have slowed down a bit. It saddens me, but who knows, maybe he really is just busy all the time, and really does like me a lot. We'll see, and I will definitely keep you updated!

While this has all been happening, another story has taken place... Taylor, he has decided he is Jealous of Dave and he still is crazy about me, and wants me back, and he texts me all day, everyday. It was a bit of a shock when he first told me, I had a meltdown I won't lie, but things are ok now. The funny thing is, if he had told me even a week prior to when he did, I would have gone back to him, but I am crazy about Dave now, so I just told him he lost his chances with me. I have never had two guys like me at once... man I barely have had a guy like me at all in my life... hard enough to get one... let alone two, and at the same time! crazy.

So life is a bit hectic and drama filled, but I can't say I don't love life. I do, I enjoy every minute of this crazy life. I have been up and down lately in my mood, and i think a lot of it has to deal with this new hip/pain, these boys, and stress of no money, no job. I have all the free time in the world, I am not a fan of free time, because then my mind goes a little too fast.

ANYWAY. That is my update. :) i am sure I will be back on soon enough! Love you all!

Jae

stupid cars

On Saturday, I decided to rear end some innocent lady at a yeild sign. It wasn't persay a decision I made, it was more an action that happened. This incident could have been easily avoided. In fact, i sat the next 13 hours wishing I could have just taken one more second to do this, or to do that, or wished I would have just gone and done what I was planning before, in any of these cases, this would not have happened. if I could just rewind time for an hour, I would have. But we all know this is impossible. It is a tragic thing at times, but this is why we learn from our mistakes. This has been the biggest headache since the moment it happened. I have been so stressed all weekend, and now that the week has started, even more stressed. I learned today, that my employers are not going to go thru the insurance company and therefore making it so much more expensive, and therefore, i have to pay more. I was going to pay for it, but now that the bill is 4000 i can't. I am going to fight it. I know it isn't the smooth thing to do, but I don't think it is fair that even tho I am on insurance here and back home, and even tho it is not my car, it has insurance on it, that is what insurance is for... i just don't find it fair that because THEY don't want to spend the money for the premium to go up a little bit, I have to fork over 4000 dollars, WHICH is like all of what I will make out here. it is ridiculous, and not right. If it was my car, which I wish it was anyway, but... if it was, I would have had insurance on it, and I would be paying thru that... I wouldn't be doing this crap of going around insurance. So my mom told me to tell them that I will pay the deductible, and maybe possibly a little more, but I won't pay more because that is what insurance is for, to protect you. And since they are screwing me over, I don't think I should take it. I'm not going to be mean about it, but I don't think it is right. I really don't. I am not saying I won't pay at all, I will. I am just frustrated that they are the ones who furnish this car, furnish the insurance, and won't really give me a say of much in the matter. They don't want my car out here, and they don't want me paying for insurance... so I can't get around it, but then when something happens, they try to screw me over!? like what is that? it isn't enough that I already work past my hours every night, most nights. or that i am supposed to conserve on miles, but the kids' activities and what not take up all the miles I am allowed. I pay for my own gas, which they said they'd pay for. I find rides when I can. I even want to bring my car out here. I'm not trying to screw them over by saying I won't pay... I am only saying, I can not afford the price of that because THEY don't want to deal with insurance. It was an accident... Insurance is there to COVER THAT. oh I am sooooo annoyed right now. I can't pay that. and I won't. even if it means losing my job and moving back home. I am not going to pay $4000 to make these people happy. it just isn't going to happen. UGH.

the end. for now.

So I have officially started the Connecticut Trip. July 16th, flew out of Salt Lake City International Airport with Jenna, one of my best friends. I was super excited she got on the same flight as I did.


We soon landed in Denver, got off, stretched our legs and got some food, then went back and waited for boarding a second time around.

Then we arrived in humid, sticky New york City... But the city was BEAUTIFUL from a plane at night! I wish I had snapped a picture of that.

SO now I am in Connecticut, enjoying the Humidity, enjoying the jet lag, and enjoying my new life. One day this won't see so surreal, for now.. I'll just live in the moment of excitement, for i am sure it will end soon!

Quote

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up... If a guy punches you, he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs, and someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
Every movie we see, Every story we're told, Implores us to wait for it.
The third act twist: The unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometime, we're so focused on finding out happy ending, we don't learn how to read the sings.
How to tell the ones who want us, from the ones who don't.
The ones who will stay from the ones who will leave.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy.
Maybe it's you.. ...on your own... ...picking up the pieces and starting over.
Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this:
Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls, and broken hearts.
Through all the blunders, and misread signals.
Through all the pain and embarrassment...
You never, EVER gave up hope.

:] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :] :]

My Return

Today I made a visit up to the university of utah hospital. I went for my therapy, as my end session, and now I am over my accident. While this trip took place, I got to revisit the hospital from a totally different view than I was used to. See I have always been the patient, not the observer. I got to see the emergency room, which was small, but I recognized it immediately. It tripped me out. They showed me around, showed me exactly what would happen if i was to come in the way I came in a year previously. It was very interesting to hear and see what all happens, from a totally different view point. I enjoyed it. I also got to go see my two rooms that i stayed in while I was there. didn't get to go in them, because they were occupied... but I recogized my one room without even having a number to go to. After they took me up to the helipad where I got to see the helicopter and I also got to take pictures with the helicopter. It was so much fun. I never thought that it would have been fun. I just imagined it to be weird and strange, but nothing like enjoyable! They were all so happy to help me around and show me everything because I guess they don't get many people that come in on the helicopter to walk out of the hospital, which I really rolled out, and then come back later walking and all healed! I could tell it made their days to see a patient who was so messed up to be there walking around and laughing and joking with them. I think they enjoyed having me there as much as I enjoyed it. :) I also got a freaking awesome t-shirt! :)

over all it was a great day... for that part of the day at least! ;)

Kim Possible

To preface this... I must say that I absolutely LOVE any cartoon... for the most part. anything Disney is HUGE in my book. Especially Kim Possible. I fall asleep watching the Disney Channel every night, unless I am with Taylor... I know... I am a nerd. :D but I am not ashamed.

So I had this day... It started out with waking up, Taylor was at my house because he needed to use my internet... sigh, the short version of this story, he lost his car, his license, long story, driving uninsured and caught... so I drive him around. Anyway, I was with him last night, and I refused to go get him before work this morning, so I made him stay at my house.

I went to work at 9, and my hip was having MASSIVE issues. I slept on my neck wrong as well and was in pain most of the day, the only time I was not is when my ibuprofen kicked in enough to dull it to a slight pain. I wore the wrong shoes to work as well, therefore resulting in very sore feet.

after getting off i didn't have the best night either. I ended up crying on my way home from taking Taylor home because I am emotional right now, and I just kept thinking of how things used to be with him... made me a bit sad. that is a long story too, but in short, I am happy with how we are now, we are way better friends than we ever were, and I wouldn't trade that for what we had before, it is just sometimes I get sad that we aren't together anymore.

Sitting at home, i have been pretty sad all night, it is a friday night, i should be out with friends. I am on this pity trip for myself, and it is pretty ridiculous.

This is when I decided that Kim Possible needed to happen. imagine how happy I was when I found episodes online for free! Now I am on the couch, not a light turned on in my entire house, typing this and watching Kim Possible.

it is amazing how much of a better mood I am in now! All I have to say is I LOVE cartoons and I LOVE Kim Possible!

ha ha ha, wow I am a nerd! ;)